#Randomtalk: It's okay not to be okay
9:33:00 PM
Sorry for sudden out of topic things....lately I have been in the situation that I am too ashamed to talk to closer friend and wanna let the things inside, but it's bottle up there, so I decided to write here, wishing I will be better soon...wishing, we can share the burden we have as sometime we feel more comfortable to talk with stranger...
but I promise, I still will keep updating you guys with beauty related things :)
.....
Human tend to seek for happiness with 101 ways. so do I. The easiest way to be happy actually telling yourself you are happy of what you have right now. but, it's not enough. As human also a greedy creature. We keep seeking what we don't have in our life.
I have been in my comfort zone for a while, because the world out there is too dangerous and it might hurt me again. But I realized, that comfort zone won't make my life better in certain point because I feel lonely, I feel not good enough, and I feel not being needed by anyone. It's sadden me.
...
One day, after seeking for advice and listen for friends' life experience here and there, I decided to go out from that comfort zone with strong mindset ... "I have been learning from my past experience, I won't fall again, I will be succeeded, and I will walk with confident!" ... I keep that mindset stick with me like a glue, suddenly I become an very optimistic girl, I give myself a high hope and I think everything will walk as I wish in the first try.....
but hey, I'm wrong... It doesn't work in the first try. I actually just started for something bigger and challenging in my life. I calculated my mistake, learn from what I've done. It wasn't make me sad, but it was triggering me to find something better in my life.
then, I started my journey again... this journey is different with my previous journey because the last one took time for awhile to me to figure it out that things are going wrong. Totally a failed mission...
In this journey, everything is going so fast and so smooth in the beginning. Nothing is wrong. It feels like you finally meet with 'the one' that you have been missing for ages. It brings you up to the cloud, flying with angels up there and sing the greatest love song. It was bringing me so much happiness that I couldn't bear to not telling people that I was happy... I was in the sky, flying. It was the greatest time in my life because finally I have something to lean on, I'm not alone. I feel needed....
In those happy time, I make mistake, I give all my trust, let down my guard. I wasn't a person I used to be, the protective and very careful person... I just don't know why I trust everything that seems okay. I walk with the flow without even having a little negative though that something bad might happened. I try to keep everything steady in those happy moments but sadly, all my effort become waste.... It turns to be unheard cry inside my heart, and I don't want to admit that I actually loose what I have dreaming of. I lose more than before...
The thing that brings me up to the sky, suddenly push me down, make me fall into the deepest ocean. It's so dark there, I can't see anything. The only thing that I can see is only my self with all the flaw I have. Too ashamed to yourself.
....
Trapped in the dark ocean, stayed like a rock, feeling cold, feel like dying because all of the pain and cold. I pushed myself to swim to find a light. At least even though it's dark, I could see a tiny bit of a light, a hope to live again. a hope to start a new.
"Do you see any light now after try so hard to swim to the surface of the sea?" asked myself
" I see a tiny bit of light, and it becomes brighter and brighter...I wanna keep swimming but I'm so tired"
should I keep swimming and following the light even though it's tiring and I don't know where is the end line OR should I stay in the place where I could see only see a tiny bit of light but feel safe ????
can someone reach out my hand out from this dark ocean and bring me to the land where I can see happy people smiling with their beloved one?
...
some people have their pride really high, they don't want to let anyone see they weak or letting them to help, but some people people screaming for help but no one around.
at the end...
human is not perfect, human is never really happy because in this world, nothing last forever.
it's okay not to be okay, it's okay to show to the world if you are not in your good state right now. It's okay to fall and stand again, it's okay to try again, it's okaaaaaay.....
because everything in this life never will be okay.
Everything in this life...
Once it will be turn out to be good, and it would turn out bad. But there is rainbow after the rain.
There is happiness after the sadness.
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